Monday, November 22, 2010

While You were Sleeping

About a month passed. I didn’t see CAT for quite some time, and if I did it was friendly and brief.
All of a sudden… I could feel him wiggling his way back into my life. But it was ok.. because he knew that we were JUST FRIENDS. I told him. He said he got it. We were buddies!!! Right?
So there I was. Sitting at home alone. Everyone was gone for that entire night.
So I started to watch a movie by myself. I then got a call from Carlton Archibald Toupee he said he was passing me and asked if he could stop by. I said, “yeah sure. I am just watching a movie and then I am going to go to bed. You can come say hi for a bit.”
So he did.
We watched whatever movie I was watching and he sat a comfortable distance away from me.
But I was weak. I could not keep my eyes open. So I gave in and drifted off to sleep.
A FEW hours later, I was awakened in a very strange way. It took me several minutes to really realize what was going on.
The rest of this story is not nice. You do not have to continue reading. I am taking a more serious approach because this was not ok.
Carton Archibald Toupee had his tongue down my throat. But something was wrong with me. I could not fully wake up and process what was happening.
I was still asleep and my body was fighting to go back to that state. My mind was fighting to be in control.
My eyes rolled open and closed, but my contacts were all foggy and I couldn’t see. I couldn’t move my limbs.
He tried to. I could feel him lift my arms around his neck and position my chin.
I finally could sense how unsafe the situation really was. I got that panic fight or flight, tightness in my chest and was able to gain control of my arms. I put them to his chest and pushed away from him.
He asked me, “What’s wrong? Have you never been kissed like this before?”
Like THIS… umm… NO!
I told him he needed to get off of me and go home. I was able to stand and attempt to walk him out and slam the door.
However, I didn’t achieve my goal. I was slammed up against the door frame and again, his tongue went down my throat.
He pulled away for one second to whisper, “Oh man, you are just so hot.” Then he dove back in.
I finally built up enough strength to pry him off of me.
He asked, “What are you thinking?”
I replied with a look of pure disgust, “Well, I am thinking that you totally just crossed a line.”
He started freaking out a little bit saying things like: No, no, nothing happened. It’s ok. It was good. Now we are more than just friends.
I interrupted at that last comment with, “No Carlton. We are not more than friends now. I am never going to date you. THIS is never going anywhere.”
He pushed my hair behind my ear, smiled and said, “You are just really tired. I think you should go get some sleep and I think you’ll feel differently about it in the morning.”
That made me vomit in my mouth.
“No, Carlton. I will not feel differently in the morning. You need to go and you aren’t allowed to talk to me anymore.”
I pushed him from the door, closed it, and locked it.
Needless to say, I finally learned my lesson from Carlton Archibald Toupee.
Yes, I was really dumb. I should have decided to banish him long before. I was in a very unsafe situation, which could have gotten out of control in seconds. It was really a miracle that I was able to gain control of the situation.
Now I have rules that I don’t break.
You should make some too.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


We have previously discussed Carlton Archibald Toupee (CAT). This particular lost boy has caused some serious grief in my life.

I had decided after the whole marching band competition, that I would simply let him be my friend. It was nice to have someone to talk to sometimes, so I kept him around but at a distance.

I hadn’t seen him much over the rest of that fall season, nor into the winter. When I got back from Christmas vacation, he could sense my return to Utah Valley. He texted me and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie at his new place. I was hanging out with my brother at the time and one of his girl friends, so I said I could if they could come to. He was fine with that situation, but I could sense his displeasure through his words. When we arrived to his house, I chose the couch that was in the weird orientation to the TV, hoping he would return to his spot on the “good” couch. He didn’t. He plastered himself right next to me. My brother laughed a little at the swift move.

As the movie started (“Better off Dead”), I moved a little away from CAT, and he leaned in closer. I’d take a scoot and he’d slide over. My brother and his friend were laughing so hard at me. But poor CAT didn’t get it.

Then…check this… He decided he would like to touch me. Possibly attempt an arm around me? So how did he execute this desire? Oh… he decided to stick his arm into the crack between the back cushions and the seat cushions. His hand then reappeared on the small of my back. Then the grazing started. He continued to graze my back with his finger tips for about 10 minutes. All I could think was, “Just don’t move! If you don’t move, maybe he’ll go away!” Eventually that lovely moment ended.

But he didn’t stop there.

I started to fall asleep, so I leaned away from him, put my elbow into the couch, leaned my head on my hand, and closed my eyes.

Meanwhile, my extra hand that was nearest to him was half way in my front pocket. Only my pinky and ring finger remained exposed.

I drifted off for a few moments until I was awakened by a creeping on my hand.

There his hand was… stroking my pinky and ring finger that were open to the elements.

I ignored it, because who would continue that behavior if there was no response back.

My eyes remained close. Surely he knew I was asleep.

Oh no no.

And then he pounced.

His hand grabbed onto my little helpless fingers. There he held for many a minute. Again I just kept thinking, “Don’t move!” It had worked before, right?

He just kept holding on. With about 5 minutes of the movie to go, he finally realized I hadn’t moved… and assumed I wasn’t interested.

I was sleeping!!! Weird.

Left his house feeling so dumb and very bad. Poor kid just didn’t get it.

So I texted him and asked him if he would come over the next morning so that I could talk to him.

He came over bright and early. I proceeded to explain to him that I was sleeping when he initially grabbed my little fingers. (He wasn’t weirded out by this at all.)

Then I did it. I had the DTR (Define the relationship)

I said, “Carlton, you are a really great friend and I just want to keep it that way.”

He was so very confused. No matter what angle I came from in order to try not to out right say, “Carlton, you are creeping me out, I don’t want you to touch me and I am not going t date you!”, he just didn’t get it.

He kept saying, “I am a little confused. I feel like you are skating around the issue here.”

Really now?? How dense can you get?

So I stopped and took some deep breaths. “Carlton. We are just friends and that is all we are ever going to be.”

He said ok and then had to leave for work. I felt like he FINALLY got it. That’s what I felt.

Oh boy was I wrong….

To be continued…

Monday, November 8, 2010


By a Wendy for a Wendy

When you are face to face with a lost boy:

  1. Get out… don’t even get involved… but if you don’t- adhere to the following:
  2. He has one hour to make an impression… after that you can get out
  3. You never have to say yes, especially if you know he’s a lost boy
  4. Always be in control of the situation- you are a woman and have the power
  5. Know the limit/ line that will not be crossed and stick to it
  6. Look moderately hot for the first date. You can tone it up or down depending on the first impression
  7. Have a first date curfew- midnight is appropriate… earlier is better
  8. Do not laugh and be charming if he isn’t funny or charming
  9. Limit the super personal information- talk about broad topics
  10. Maintain a neutral body language – don’t flirt unless he’s great
  11. Try not to be alone
  12. Always bring cash and a cell phone
  13. Have an escape plan set up. Know where all your exits are and have that “emergency call” on standby
  14. Don’t answer calls or texts after midnight- they are always booty calls
  15. If you are nervous at all that he’s strange- Meet at the place—then he doesn’t know where you live and you have a car.
  16. NEVER fall asleep in his presence. Trust me... the results are disturbing.
  17. Remember- a hundred lost boys will never equal 1 great man. Drop them all if they can't find themselves when you show up

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Marching Band Competition

Marching Band Competition

So this one time….

When I had first moved to Provo, I met this boy- Carlton Archibald Toupee (CAT). The name has been changed… However his real name is worse!! Carlton Archibald Toupee called me one day and asked if I was available. I didn’t have any homework so I figured that I was.

He said he had a bunch of homework he needed to do. (OK-weird. Why ask me out if you have homework?)

I think that I actually asked him that.

He explained that he really just wanted to spend some time with me and asked if I would just come hang out with him for a bit.

I really wanted to get out of my apartment, so I accepted, thinking that the “hangout” would only be like an hour max.

A little side note. This was mid- October in Utah. Since I am from Arizona, I didn’t own a coat. I pulled on my light sweater and answered the door.

A light drizzling rain greeted me behind the tall string-bean of a 25 year old boy.

The rain did not faze me because he owned a car. We began walking away from my door. And then he turned. He turned towards the Provo River Trail that ran behind my building and just kept walking. I stopped and stared at the pitch black trail that he barreled toward.

This trail is historically not safe at night. A fear overcame me.

He finally realized that I was 30 feet behind him and turned to find me. He coaxed me over by saying we were just walking over to the football stadium and that he would protect me in the dark.

I commented slightly under my breath, “I have a better chance of protecting myself.”

The football stadium was about 2 miles away from my apartment. We walked and the rain picked up.

As we approached the stadium, I began to realize what was happening. Simultaneously, I was hearing 4 different bands practice their brassy tunes. There were hundreds of kids adorned in brightly colored marching band uniforms. Another few hundred kids running around thinking they are hip because they were at a college stadium.

I turned to Carlton Archibald Toupee and gave him a confused look and asked what we were doing exactly.

HE proceeded to explain that we were attending the annual regional high school marching band competition.

This was not my scene. In high school I avoided the band kids almost as if they had leprosy. You can’t blame me however, because the band kids were the ones doing the nasty in the hallways at school. I didn’t want their STDs to jump onto me!

He then explained that he hadn’t missed a year for 5 years in a row! He was SO EXCITED!!

We got in line for tickets and I felt the urge to run. This may have been because I was slowly entering in to a hypothermic state.

As we stood there in the rain, I ran my fingers through my hair to inspect the state that it was in.

Dear Carlton… that lost soul… then made fun of my hair. Yes. He said that I looked like a wet puppy.

My mouth dropped. How socially retarded CAN you get.

Every girl wants to be told they look like a wet dog- ESPECIALLY if she didn’t want to be standing in the frigid rain in the first place.

I fought back with some sort of sarcastic remark that he couldn’t read. So I gave up.

We made our way into the stadium and found our prime rib seating! Of course that kind of seating couldn’t come so easily. The bench was soaked. I stared at it for a moment trying to decide the best mode of action.

Do I take off my thin sweater and dry off the seat? Do I use my cold fingers to brush off as much water as I can? Or do I just sit in the puddle. I went with option number 2!! My poor little fingers paid the price for the rest of the night.

He made himself comfortable and whipped out his stats homework.

Oh yes. I am very serious about this people!

Meanwhile, I started to convulse from the cold.

I was very uninterested in the performances that were taking place in front of me and my fingers were turning blue. Every once in awhile CAT would try to start a small conversation. I tried very hard to contribute, but I couldn’t keep my jaw still enough to form words. I got scared I was going to crack a tooth.

He didn’t seem to notice the chattering, nor the blue color of my body.

I was desperate for heat!!

I sat as close to Him as possible and leaned in. I was thinking, “Carlton Archibald Toupee, this is your opportunity right now! Put your arm around me. For the love of all that is holy, please put an arm around me!”

Again, he didn’t notice. What a shame!

FINALLY the last band played and we began our exit! And we walked. And walked. And walked. Did I mention… IT WAS STILL RAINING.

At that point I was soaked through and through. The puddles and mud we trudged through to get back to my apartment only made the experience more exciting… like a safari. The kind of safari where you are avoiding being the prey and the prey is a rapist on the Provo River Trail.

This reminds me of a song…. “ How do you solve a problem like Carlton Archibald Toupee?” Because this was only the beginning of much bigger problems.


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