Monday, January 24, 2011

Lost Girl / Shot down Wendy Bird

(A Bipolar ranting from several different episodes in my life)

So this Wendy is going to take some convincing.
 Falling in love is going to be hard to do I think. I have just had so many awful experiences and then some averages. I may have been in love before or even just been very excited about the possibility… but it has always ended in a little broken heart. Then my heart mends to a tougher state.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a bitter ol’ maid yet. My heart is not a heart of steel. I think I have gone from jello to a hard candy shell. It can be melted.
But… what is it going to take?
I have actually been dating quite a bit lately. More than ever before in my life as matter of fact , and so far, I have not been all that impressed. I haven’t had any overwhelming feelings of “I have to see him again”. 
I have had the thought. “He was cool. I’d see him again if he asked.”
And I haven’t been too upset if they don’t call.

But a reality has set in, that love isn’t easy. I thought that once I found someone who wasn’t lost, I would be set and I would know it right away. Sounds easy, right? However, I have been surrounded by so many lost boys that I find myself a little lost in their world.
I don’t care about being committed
I would rather not see most boys again after kissing them.
I like having freedom to be whomever I want to whenever I want to.
So when I am getting called baby and love, all I want to do is puke in my mouth and run away,
Not so healthy for a 21 year old Mormon girl.
Pretty soon, the mother mafia is going to be after me. There will be too many questions about when I am going to finally get married or since I am not married, when am I going on a mission?
Ladies… not everyone has to go on a mission if she is 21 and not married.

I think that today I am a lost girl.
How could I have avoided this? It seems almost like a fate that karma has slapped me in the face with. I have been slapped in the face with a big slimy karma fish.  But really, I put myself in this position. I wanted to be here. Free and independent with the wild side I never had. Why am I becoming less mature as my life is steadily progressing? It is probably fear; a fear of the unknown and the feelings that I possibly missed out on some grand adventure that I was supposed to have in college.
But hey, why not think like Peter?.... “To die would be an awfully big adventure”. But to “Live is an awfully big adventure” too! (Hook)
Why not make everything my new awfully big adventure?
I could do that.
I had taken a lot of personality type quizzes lately. One of them said that I am probably too optimistic. Being too optimistic can hinder your ability to use critical thinking and to problem solve.
Excuse me?!
I don’t think so. Optimism makes you burst from the cages in your mind.
That’s what I think.
I am a great problem solver.  (Ask my old roommates… I fixed a lot of tires, and mended some broken hearts and got us out of icky situations.)

The Wendy Bird wasn’t really shot down. She just got stunned for a little bit. She was sleepy. (Maybe she had mono?)  She may have felt a little lost sometimes, but she never really was. She knew where home was and she knew how to take care of herself and the people she loved.
She loved her brothers. And she loved the lost boys… like little brothers.
And she took them home with her and let her mom be their mother. Then she grew up. She left Neverland, and never went back. She left the nursery; she got married and had her own daughter. She let her own daughter go to Neverland and make her own life choices; which is what I will do.

We all need moments where we choose not to grow up; when we play pretend for just a little bit. It’s fun. But then we remember… it’s not real. We have to put down the toys, get some pixie-dust, high-tail it out of Neverland, book it from the nursery and decide that living is going to be our next awfully big adventure. When we decide that, no pirates can stand in our way; no other lost boys, no Tinker Bell, and no Tiger Lily.
It’s us, the real world, and another grown, up setting off into the awfully big adventure of life together; conquering any real life crocodiles in our way.
THAT is the real adventure; not the silly games, nor the dangerous feats!
This Wendy Bird just woke up… so I am flying away from the little house my lost boys have built around me, with the label on the front door. I am ready to start committing!
I am not your Wendy.
I don’t even need magic to get out of Neverland. I just need to open my eyes, open my own door, and leap.

My story is definitely not over.  There are many more stories to be told. There are so many characters that you have not met, and you have not yet seen Neverland. So don’t you fret. You’ll see it all.
Plus also… To really live is my next awfully big adventure.

Dear lost girls/ Shot down Wendy Birds and/or Tiger Lilies and Tinker Bells,
Wake up. Open your labeled door. And get out of Neverland.
There is a grown up waiting for you at home.

Dear lost boys/ Pirates/ Peter’s,
Please grow up. Follow your Wendy out of Neverland. She has magic enough to help you a little too. If you won’t leave… then let her go. Her daughter might just come back later and maybe then you’ll be ready. But you’ll probably even meet her granddaughter if you aren’t ready now. But right now, there are some awfully big adventures going on in the real world. You don’t have to let Neverland define you either.

Your (flying)Wendy Bird


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