Marching Band Competition
So this one time….
When I had first moved to Provo, I met this boy- Carlton Archibald Toupee (CAT). The name has been changed… However his real name is worse!! Carlton Archibald Toupee called me one day and asked if I was available. I didn’t have any homework so I figured that I was.
He said he had a bunch of homework he needed to do. (OK-weird. Why ask me out if you have homework?)
I think that I actually asked him that.
He explained that he really just wanted to spend some time with me and asked if I would just come hang out with him for a bit.
I really wanted to get out of my apartment, so I accepted, thinking that the “hangout” would only be like an hour max.
A little side note. This was mid- October in Utah. Since I am from Arizona, I didn’t own a coat. I pulled on my light sweater and answered the door.
A light drizzling rain greeted me behind the tall string-bean of a 25 year old boy.
The rain did not faze me because he owned a car. We began walking away from my door. And then he turned. He turned towards the Provo River Trail that ran behind my building and just kept walking. I stopped and stared at the pitch black trail that he barreled toward.
This trail is historically not safe at night. A fear overcame me.
He finally realized that I was 30 feet behind him and turned to find me. He coaxed me over by saying we were just walking over to the football stadium and that he would protect me in the dark.
I commented slightly under my breath, “I have a better chance of protecting myself.”
The football stadium was about 2 miles away from my apartment. We walked and the rain picked up.
As we approached the stadium, I began to realize what was happening. Simultaneously, I was hearing 4 different bands practice their brassy tunes. There were hundreds of kids adorned in brightly colored marching band uniforms. Another few hundred kids running around thinking they are hip because they were at a college stadium.
I turned to Carlton Archibald Toupee and gave him a confused look and asked what we were doing exactly.
HE proceeded to explain that we were attending the annual regional high school marching band competition.
This was not my scene. In high school I avoided the band kids almost as if they had leprosy. You can’t blame me however, because the band kids were the ones doing the nasty in the hallways at school. I didn’t want their STDs to jump onto me!
He then explained that he hadn’t missed a year for 5 years in a row! He was SO EXCITED!!
We got in line for tickets and I felt the urge to run. This may have been because I was slowly entering in to a hypothermic state.
As we stood there in the rain, I ran my fingers through my hair to inspect the state that it was in.
Dear Carlton… that lost soul… then made fun of my hair. Yes. He said that I looked like a wet puppy.
My mouth dropped. How socially retarded CAN you get.
Every girl wants to be told they look like a wet dog- ESPECIALLY if she didn’t want to be standing in the frigid rain in the first place.
I fought back with some sort of sarcastic remark that he couldn’t read. So I gave up.
We made our way into the stadium and found our prime rib seating! Of course that kind of seating couldn’t come so easily. The bench was soaked. I stared at it for a moment trying to decide the best mode of action.
Do I take off my thin sweater and dry off the seat? Do I use my cold fingers to brush off as much water as I can? Or do I just sit in the puddle. I went with option number 2!! My poor little fingers paid the price for the rest of the night.
He made himself comfortable and whipped out his stats homework.
Oh yes. I am very serious about this people!
Meanwhile, I started to convulse from the cold.
I was very uninterested in the performances that were taking place in front of me and my fingers were turning blue. Every once in awhile CAT would try to start a small conversation. I tried very hard to contribute, but I couldn’t keep my jaw still enough to form words. I got scared I was going to crack a tooth.
He didn’t seem to notice the chattering, nor the blue color of my body.
I was desperate for heat!!
I sat as close to Him as possible and leaned in. I was thinking, “Carlton Archibald Toupee, this is your opportunity right now! Put your arm around me. For the love of all that is holy, please put an arm around me!”
Again, he didn’t notice. What a shame!
FINALLY the last band played and we began our exit! And we walked. And walked. And walked. Did I mention… IT WAS STILL RAINING.
At that point I was soaked through and through. The puddles and mud we trudged through to get back to my apartment only made the experience more exciting… like a safari. The kind of safari where you are avoiding being the prey and the prey is a rapist on the Provo River Trail.
This reminds me of a song…. “ How do you solve a problem like Carlton Archibald Toupee?” Because this was only the beginning of much bigger problems.
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